10. “Nelson’s Lament” - Dir. Spencer Lough
In the landscape of new American cinema Lough is a relative newcomer but his assured, lyrical take on the “young handsome dude from a small midwestern town who doesn’t say much and falls in love with somebody and that’s a 2 and a half hour long movie somehow” is nothing short of miraculous. In particular the scene in which he held long static shots on various parts of a field, which seemed to have some deeper symbolic meaning that was lost on me, was hypnotic.
9. “Impossibly Long & Pretentious Title For a Documentary About A Subject That Literally Hundreds of Other People Have Made Documentaries About Before” - Dir. Nancy Clusky
The brazen jump cut heavy editing style, which I instinctually hated because it was too jarring but later realized was “daring” because other critics said so, was poetic and brave because it was about a subject that other people seem to care about a lot.
8. “Black Clouds” - Dir. Alfid Dybahl.
The contemporary film scene in Norway is at it’s peak right now, I think…maybe, and this film is no exception. Dybahl’s magical execution of this relatively straightforward story of a small boy searching for his stolen bike on the streets of Egersund is full of wonder and not at all a complete boring waste of time. It’s just a simple story and sometimes a good piece of cinema should force you to check your watch at least 6 times during a screening of it.
7. “Big Hollywood Movie That I’m Only Putting On This List to Not Seem Like A Pretentious Fuddy Duddy Who Doesn’t Have a Fun Side” - Dir. Michael Bay
It’s good for what it is! Hollywood tropes! Fun!
6. “Throwing Plates” - Dir. Sam Mendes
I’m particularly fond of the scene in which plates are thrown. Profoundly beautiful.
5. “Spring Breakers” - Dir. Harmony Korine
No joke this is just a good movie.
4. “Some Weird Foreign Drama That Won’t Be Out in America For A Long Time” - Dir. Made Up Foreign Dude
I’ve seen this already because I am a professional movie watcher and therefore better than you. I won’t bother explaining why this is a good
movie film because by the time you, the common man, even have the ability to watch it you will forget everything I say about it. Pay particular attention to the scene where the horse is a metaphor for a thing that isn’t a horse, duh, you idiot.
3. “Mediocre Movie Nobody Else Liked That Much But Guess The Fuck What? I’m Quirky So I’m Putting It On Here To Get Special Attention” - Dir. LOL McFuckface.
I’m hoping this isn’t on anybody other critic’s year end list because that would defeat the purpose of this.
2. “Checkers - Dir. Tiny Bearded Hipster Man
Holy fuck, this movie is black and white! In the year 2013! That’s fucking special!
1. “Poetic Documentary About Food” - Dir. Christof Nederhood.
On paper this is nothing more than a glorified Food Network segment drawn out for 2 hours but I was hungry when I watched it and it’s subtitled/better so here we are.
Winners won fleeting, temporary fame via retweet, but because I received dozens great entries, I had to post the winners and other fantastic entries here. Please re-tumbl and enjoy!— Lauren (@realgoodtalker)
— James Poniewozik (@poniewozik)
subpar hashtag game entry #EveryHashtagEver— Colin Woodford (@cwooood)
— Jaime J. Weinman (@weinmanj)